The Art of Strategy Is About Knowing When to Say No. By the time we’d grown to a couple hundred employees, all that dissipated energy had begun to yield diminishing returns. “Brian, this ‘yes-man’ thing worked fine in startup mode,” said Lorrie Norrington, one of our board members. “But it’s backfiring in scale-up mode.
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This might be the most decisive book you can find in terms of defining your relationship with your partner, children, parents, siblings and close friends. Jesper Juul reveals with great insight why it is only possible to say 'Yes!' to yourself when you also feel liberated and free to say 'No!' to others. By letting go of the obligation to be nice and the need to serve and..more
Published July 24th 2012 by Authorhouse
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Sep 26, 2013Eloise Sunshine rated it liked it · review of another edition
I think it's not only interesting and useful read for parents, but can help you understand the previous generations as well, why they are the way they are, act like they do and most importantly - how to avoid making the same mistakes they did.
Oct 23, 2017Lennart rated it it was amazing · review of another edition
At first, it sounds horrible to have a book about saying no, which surely has to be about rejection and distancing yourself, right? Not so, as the author explains. Without ever saying no, your yes becomes meaningless and will hurt your children as well as yourself. This book has some great ideas and is well worth reading. It's also fairly short, with a high power/weight ratio. The book starts off by going through why saying 'no' is so hard, and how we - with very young children - often have to s..more
Aug 01, 2017Sinn rated it really liked it · review of another edition
Ich glaube, dass Jesper Juul seine Kernpunkte durchaus schon ein oder ein paar hundert Mal geäußert hat. In diesem (kurzen) Buch fokussiert er sich allerdings auf einen kleinen, gar nicht so unwichtigen Punkt, der oft vergessen wird: Dass ein 'Nein' oftmals nicht nur notwendig, sondern sogar befreiend sein kann.
Es ist ein kleiner Essay, gewürzt mit jeder Menge Juul'scher Erfahrung und wenig komplett neuem. Der Vorteil daran ist allerdings, dass man es auch dann lesen könnte, wenn man sonst nicht..more
Jun 19, 2019T rated it liked it · review of another edition
Som altid siger Jesper Juul mange fornuftige og befriende ting om samspillet mellem børn og voksne. Bogen her gentager i bind og grund de samme pointer, som han kom med i Dit Kompetente Barn og føles en anelse overflødig, hvis man har læst den.
Dec 26, 2018Nichola Weir rated it really liked it · review of another edition
Leicht zu verstehen und mit guten Tipps für uns Eltern
Ist eine leichte Lektüre, kann man gut in Bus und Bahn lesen
Oct 07, 2019Beata rated it it was amazing · review of another edition
Kolejna książka Jespera Juula, która powinna być obowiązkową pozycją każdego świadomego rodzica. Krótko, zwięźle i na temat o odmawiamiu dzieciom z jednoczesnym zachowaniem własnej integralności.
Aug 04, 2017Piotr Żak rated it really liked it · review of another edition
Good book but I'm not sure how I would rate it if I wouldn't have a bit of NVC background. I would also prefer have more examples of behaviours next to general descriptions.
Dec 30, 2017statement_not_mainstream rated it liked it · review of another edition
Das Buch war ganz ok..jedoch ist einiges Hausverstand.
Nov 16, 2016Virginia Tsvetkova rated it really liked it
I got the book as a gift and it took me a while to get to the part where I could find some insightful advices, which was on the last 10 pages (literally), as I have no children yet. It would be very helpful for someone who struggles with their children and are not quite sure how to address their problems.
Otherwise, it was just average informative read for me.
Книгата щеше да е незаменима, ако вместо да изобилства от примери, как не се прави, се беше концентрирала върху по-детайлни обяснения. Плъзгането по повърхността си остана до края. Не може да посветиш глава на нещо, което да онагледиш основно с 'как е грешно' и да не обясниш с повече от две изречения идеята си.
Apr 07, 2014madziar rated it it was ok · review of another edition
Krótka książeczka o umiejętnym mówieniu 'nie' w rodzinie, tak by każda ze stron zachowała swoją integralność - co najlepiej wyraża zdanie: '..język miłości nie powinien być ani pozytywny, ani negatywny - tylko osobisty'.
May 02, 2015Franziska rated it it was amazing · review of another edition
Helpful for personality no matter if you have children or not. For sure I read it more than once. It is good to read with examples. I like the ideas of Jesper Juul mostly that's why I can recommend the book to everybody.
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Jul 08, 2013
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Aug 07, 2012
Andrzej Kaszkowiak rated it it was amazing
Feb 14, 2019
Maria Tsvyatkova rated it really liked it
Aug 10, 2018
Jedrek Kostecki rated it really liked it
Jan 12, 2017
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Jul 09, 2019
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Jesper Juul (1948 - 2019) was a Danish family therapist and author and a renowned international authority on the family. In his book Your Competent Child (1995, in English 2001) he argued that today's families are at an exciting crossroads because the destructive values — obedience, physical and emotional violence, and conformity — that governed traditional hierarchical families are being transfor..more
“is up to the parents to consider this fundamental question: “Am I genuinely able to give my child what they want and feel good about it—and not expect anything in return?” More quotes…
Ah, spring. That lovely time of year when the sun comes out, the flowers bloom, it’s safe to leave the house without a parka, and social life comes knocking with a vengeance.
As much as it’s a relief to be rid of the cold and inconvenience of winter, most of us experience a bit of a welcome lull in our calendars after Christmas. With the advent of spring arrives a wave of obligations: volunteer opportunities, school events, weddings, potlucks, and charity functions seem to come clamoring from every direction, not to mention the unavoidable claims of yard work and spring cleaning. I find that at this time of year the smell of hyacinth and sunshine goes to my head and I find myself saying yes to a few too many noble causes—leading to stress, frustration, and burnout as I try to juggle all my new responsibilities.
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The clear solution to my overcommitment problem is to say no to some things. But it’s hard to be firm without sounding harsh, and making excuses too often turns into resigned acceptance, especially when I would truly love to take everything on. What’s a woman to do?
Luckily, Miss Manners is here to help. In her essential and hilarious volume of etiquette, Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Miss Manners (the pen name of author and etiquette expert Judith Martin) lays out some excellent tools for gracefully and effectively saying no that we can all benefit from.
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Tool #1: Silence
Too often, when called upon to commit to something that I don’t want to do or don’t have time for, I find myself running off at the mouth, offering the asker a laundry list of excuses in an attempt to justify my refusal. It’s important to realize that, when turning down an engagement or opportunity, excuses simply aren’t necessary, and in fact listing them can make you feel so guilty about saying no that you say yes anyway.
Part of the reason many of us make excuses for refusing an obligation is that we don’t feel confident in our answer. Miss Manners’ advice reassures us that allowing ourselves to say no without offering a myriad of excuses is not rude. In a chapter entitled 'Saying No: Silence as a Social Skill,' Miss Manners lays out some good rules for handling difficult or pressing requests with class:
All [the correct answers] require, to be both gracious and effective, is that one close one’s mouth after saying them and not continue talking. The correct answer..is 'Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, I just can’t.' Got that? In most cases, it is simply enough. However, if anyone asks why not, the correct answer is “Because I’m afraid it’s just impossible.”
The hardest part of this is enduring the silence after offering your refusal. Miss Manners has the solution:
Many people … fill [the silence] by running off at the mouth .. They would do well to practice shutting up. It is a social grace few can afford to be without. In the mean time, Miss Manners has an exercise for intermediate students. They may say, “I have to check with my husband (wife, broker, boss, dog’s baby-sitter, house plants)” and then call back later and try again to give the correct answer.
The Art Of Saying No Pdf
Now, many people feel that you aren’t allowed to “get out” of something they want you to do unless you have a good excuse, and simple, polite, guilt-free refusals may confuse them. In the quotation above, Miss Manners reminds you that you are allowed to soften the blow of “no” by stepping away from the conversation and coming back later to deliver your answer. Once you’ve practiced this a few times, offering a polite refusal without accompanying excuses (and guilt) will become second nature.
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Tool #2: Persistence
Saying no once can seem hard enough, but what if the person asking you won’t give up easily? If repeatedly asked for something that you are unwilling or unable to give (time, attention, money, etc.) it can be difficult to know how to stick to your guns. In response to a reader's question asking how to tactfully decline communication with someone, Miss Manners writes,
Saying no to [contact] is like saying no to unwanted food, drink, or romantic attention. You just have to keep saying it, firmly and politely, until people stop pressing it on you.
This tool applies equally well to charity dinner invitations, bake-sale fundraisers, or repeated requests to join timeshares in Louisiana. When faced with a persistent request, all that is required to prevail is a little light-hearted persistence of your own, backed up by the realization that you do not have to say yes to something you do not want to do. So many of us believe that the polite thing to do is say 'yes,' when in fact saying 'no' can be equally polite while allowing us to maintain personal integrity.
Tool #3: The Spontaneous Refusal
'Hey, we’re going for drinks and we have one spot left in the car, wanna come or not?'
'There’s a school potluck this weekend and we really need volunteers, it won’t take more than a few hours and your children can help! Shall I put you down for 2 pm?'
'I know you said you made plans this weekend but we really need someone to stay late and close tomorrow. You don’t mind just this once, do you?'
'Can you come help me move tomorrow? I only have the truck until 6.'
While all of these requests may seem reasonable on paper, I know I’ve done my share of teeth-grinding when they get dropped on me in real life. Part of the frustration comes from the last-minute nature of these situations—it’s hard to say no to something that seems urgent. The key to saying no to the spontaneous request is to distinguish what is urgent from what is important. Your mental health, family and personal relationships, life goals, and spiritual life are important. Potlucks, abrupt schedule changes, and last-minute dinner invitations, while often billed as urgent, are rarely important and should be accepted based on preference, not pressure. Miss Manners offers a neat solution:
[Miss Manners] also urges you to use the spontaneous refusal, which is the appropriate response to the spontaneous invitation. It goes something like this: “Oh, we would have adored to see you and Uncle Fred - isn’t it rotten luck that the one time you were free is the time we simply can’t? Promise that next time you’re planning to come you’ll remember to put us on the top of your advance notice list!”
What I love about the above answer is that not only does Miss Manners express affection while sticking to her guns and without offering lots of excuses (using Tools 1 and 2), she also offers a clear expectation for future interactions: that more advance notice be given in order to secure a 'yes' instead of a no. It should be noted that Miss Manners does not recommend setting up a different obligation in order to get out of the spontaneous visit—remember, you do not need to say yes to one thing in order to be justified in saying no to a different one. (This is obvious upon reflection, but also strangely groundbreaking.)
Now, obviously, Miss Manners doesn’t advocate that everyone should say no to everything. But we are limited beings with a finite amount of time. It is all too easy to get busy with events and obligations that, on paper, 'won’t take much time,' only to find that you suddenly have no time for priorities that really matter to you and your loved ones. If we follow Miss Manners’ advice for judiciously saying no to things that distract or exhaust, we free ourselves to say yes to those things that are truly essential to our well-being, like spending time with family or close friends, pursuing personal creative work, or just sitting still and enjoying a spring afternoon.
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